


duly noted.

by beemblebummed



Series: i'm still here - the story of Cloud Strife [5]
Category: Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, FF7, FFVII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Genderqueer Character, Genderqueer Sephiroth, Trans Character, Trans Cloud, Trans Male Character, Trans Sephiroth, trans!Cloud, trans!Sephiroth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 04:19:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7998328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beemblebummed/pseuds/beemblebummed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cloud sends a letter to his mother, coming out to her and telling her the truth. he waits positively for her correspondence, but the result isn't what he wanted. Zack, Angeal, and Sephiroth console a rejected and dejected Cloud.</p>
            </blockquote>





	duly noted.

**Author's Note:**

> triggers / squicks  
> \- transphobia  
> \- cloud goes into a depressed down-spiral and doesn't eat and barely sleeps, in case that would be upsetting for anyone  
> \- light mentions of food  
> \- sefikura (sephiroth/cloud) COULD be construed from this fic, but nothing happens.

Honestly, everything had been going great, and I couldn’t have been happier. I found myself among people I could identify with, that understood me, and I had the courage to write to my mother and tell her the truth about who I was. It was only a few days after the letter had been mailed, that Zack came to me, holding an envelope in his hand, a hesitant worried expression on his face. I was confused then, but when I realized it was from Mama, I realized why he was making that face.

 

“I don’t want to scare you, Cloud, but, like… do you want me here while you read that?” Zack had asked me, handing the mail over to me, acting as though it was a time bomb waiting to go off. It was.

 

It hadn’t been a good read. She kept calling me Claudia, and told me it was because I was around all of these boys at Shinra, that Tifa had been a bad influence because she was such a tomboy. She said it wasn’t true, that I was only making things up. She said I was just trying to get attention, and that it was a phase that I would get over, and if I didn’t stop, she was going to disown me.

 

I finally just dropped the letter, before I finished it, and I had leaned into Zack, crying harder than I had in a long time. That’s what I think of as I’m sitting at a table off to the side of the mess hall, away from the clamor and excitedly talking Shinra employees. It’s only been a few hours since I read over the letter, but it’s pretty clear I’m not going to be eating for a while. The bowl of warm soup in front of me doesn’t look like anything appetizing, and the thought of consuming it makes me sick. At the moment, I would rather be in my bed, asleep, pretending I don’t exist.

 

Why had I hoped for anything different? Of course she wasn’t going to accept me. She raised a daughter, not a son. She raised Claudia, not Cloud. Why did I ever believe she would still love me?

 

“Cloud.”

 

I don’t look up; it’s Angeal, and he’s going to try to comfort me, but I can’t even look him in the eye right now. I don’t want to, I don’t want him to see me like this, I don’t want to talk about it and get upset again.

 

As I sit silently, hands in my lap, gaze in my bowl, I hear Angeal softly sit down beside me. He’s quiet for a minute or so, but I don’t bother to count the seconds.

 

“Zack told me about the letter,” he says slowly, his voice soft. “We can go talk about it somewhere, if you would like to.”

 

“I’m not interested in talking about it,” I answer. “Sorry.”

 

“Cloud….”

 

“Angeal. It’s fine.” I look up at him now, and I can see it in his face, the worry, the anger, the empathy for what I’ going through— damn, I hate that he can relate. This is the worst feeling in the world. “I knew this was going to happen anyway. I’ve been preparing for it since I learned I wasn’t a girl. A fairy tale ending isn’t something I’ve ever expected.”

 

The man just sighs and shakes his head. “I know, Cloud. I know. But just… listen; this isn’t something you want to go through by yourself. It really isn’t. I need to know, both as your overseeing officer and as someone who cares about you— that you’re going to talk about this and let people help you with it.”

 

I scoff and re-focus on my soup. “Fine, I’ll… I’ll talk to Zack about it or something.”

 

I don’t react to the very brief, very gentle touch to my shoulder from Angeal’s hand. I don’t know what else to say, what else to do, so I just sit there. He hadn’t brought anything over with him, so he has nothing else to do after he’s spoken to me, besides leave. I continue to stare at my soup for a while, which ends up being the better part of an hour, and then I get up, dispose of my cold broth, and go back to my quarters during the small window of no mission time. In my bed, under a thick blanket, encased in silence and solitude, nothing can touch me, and I like it that way. I’m safe, and I have nothing to worry about. No moms, no friends who have to look out for me, nothing.

 

That lasts for about half an hour, and then there’s knocking on my door. I huff and pull the blankets over my head, yelling, “It is unlocked.” before going right back to ignoring everything.

 

I hear the soft whoosh of the mechanical door sliding open, and the quiet footfalls of my visitor. I can’t see them, and I don’t move to try, and instead lay still. Nothing can make me _want_ to do anything else, I assume.

 

“I doubt these are the words you’re wanting to hear,” begins a familiar, gorgeous voice, “but Angeal has enlightened me to your current situation, Cloud.”

 

Of course, I’m shocked; but I don’t move. I really just don’t want to do anything except sleep, or stop existing— whichever works for the universe.

 

“He doesn’t play around when it comes to getting other people in on things,” I mutter softly, curling up a bit more. “What is it, Sephiroth?”

 

He is silent and stationary after that, but it’s after a few moments that his heels click against the floor, coming closer to me, and he asks quietly, “May I sit, Cloud?”

 

One would think it would be obvious what I would say. Either ‘no, go away’ or ‘yes, please do’, but I can’t bring myself to do either, not right away. As depressed as I am, the feelings I harbor since I was small to even now for Sephiroth are still strong as ever. Usually, the attention or company of certain people lightens me to no end— I feel safe, warm, and joyous. But it’s not that simple, with this situation. It’s like I feel that joy and content with his presence, and I want to sit up and talk to him; tell him everything or be fine in this moment of delight. I don’t know which.

 

But I can’t. I can’t do anything right now.

 

“I… I guess,” is all I manage to say.

 

There’s another small pause, and then the bed behind me takes on enough weight to sink it down, and nearly pull me closer to the source of it. He settles into that spot and then waits a moment. It occurs to me that he’s waiting for me to sit up, but whether that’s the case or not, I sigh quietly and then do just that, pulling the blanket around me like a huge, protective cocoon. It takes me a moment to look him in the eye, but once I do, I can see in his beautiful mako blues that he’s concerned, and, just like Angeal, empathetic.

 

“Cloud… my childhood was not like yours, or most children’s,” he says, his voice soft. “I was not raised or supported in the same way that most people have been, or will be. But… the first time I ever spoke of that out-of-place sensation, the first time that I…. opened up about it. It was not an easy experience. Even now, actually, if the press or even other soldiers were to learn of my gender, I can face backlash, slander, and disrespect.”

 

I blink and tilt my head. “You?” is what I murmur in response.

 

My heart seems to flutter when he chuckles, lowering his head briefly, his hair falling into his face, framing that elegant perfection. “Yes… me,” Sephiroth replies. “As a race, we are not… very far in accepting people who are not like us. It’s a problem, but one that exists. As unfortunate as it is, I am often viewed as an embarrassment when it comes to my gender. That is why Angeal, Genesis and I have tried to keep it as private as we can.”

 

Slowly, I nod as he speaks and then reach up from my blanket to push some hair behind my ear. “And… me ‘n Zack are the only ones who know?”

 

This time, he nods. “Mm. I was the one who had my suspicions about him— something about the way he carried himself, it reminded me very much of Genesis, and myself. I confronted him, actually, and then informed him myself that he wasn’t an outcast, that there were at least three other people he could relate to.”

 

Sephiroth smiles, his gaze lowering. “He and Genesis did not get along very well, but that was alright. Truth be told, the two of them are probably alike and simultaneously, not alike, that they would not quite… _fit_ right. Of course, they got along professionally, and did not despise each other. But… well. As I said, they did not get along that well.”

 

I take the silence that comes then to think about that, and take in the things he’s telling me. It’s over before I can really think over everything, but that’s okay.

 

The silver general looks up to me once more, studying me with a neutral expression now, thinking hard. He tilts his head slowly, watching me, and then he poises as though he wants to say or do something, but instead, he does neither. He continues to do nothing for a moment more, and then gently flips his hair behind his shoulders with one hand, never taking his eyes off of me.

 

“I know that Angeal has already told you that you are never alone; not here, not out there, nowhere,” he finally speaks. “But… with the results of your letter to your mother, I felt the need to come by myself, and reiterate such. Hopefully, this won’t come across the wrong way, but I am aware of your…. admiration for me. I had hoped that, the words coming from my mouth, would help even just a little bit more.”

 

For just a second, I freeze, turning red. I clear my throat and then look down, finding a place to fiddle with on my blanket to avoid letting Sephiroth see my face directly.

 

“Uhm…. o-okay,” I mumble. “Erm…. duly noted.”

 

I don’t see his smile, or the look of satisfaction that he had been right in his assumptions on my feelings for him. I do look to him again, however, when the bed shifts and he stands, remaining at my bedside for a moment.

 

“Cloud,” he says, “permission to take… a few days is granted. Rest yourself, and take some time to think things over. I would hope you would come to a realization…”

 

The way he trails off says I need to pursue that statement of a realization. I don’t find my words until he smirks and heads for the door, but just before he can touch the tech to open it, my voice returns in the form of a squeaky “hey!”

 

Sephiroth stops and then looks over his shoulder at me, waiting patiently.

 

“W-what… realization would I come to, i-if… if your hopes turn out to be, uh... true?” I stutter out, the order and choice of words definitely not my proudest moment, but I think he gets the message.

 

The smirk returns, but he just faces the door again, opening it jut afterwards.

 

“That you don’t need anyone’s approval,” he says, “and that we are all here for you when you need us. Whenever that may be… Cloud.”

 

Without another word or look back, he leaves the room, the door shutting softly behind him. I stare at the place he had been just a moment ago, which grows into just minutes ago, and then I look down into my lap again. He wouldn’t have said that unless he was serious, most definitely. I wish that his words could have just cured me right then, but I would have to go through that full couple of days off and then some to feel better about my situation.

 

But I still had Sephiroth, Angeal, and Zack’s words to help me through it.


End file.
